Snape's Family
by Sevi Snape
Summary: Severus' none too amusing family, well its only not amusing to him. The rest of us think he deserves it.
1. Part 01

This was inspired by Isa's story 'My Family' which is in fact a British TV sitcom owned by the BBC.

This is my favourite sitcom and I decided to make Severus and Hermione's like that.

A/N they are living in he muggle world, just so you have an explanation for the muggle objects used in the fic.

****

****

****

****

****

**Snape finds family life none too agreeable.**

"Morning darling" Snape said sarcastically as Hermione leant her cheek towards him to kiss and then returned to her paper. 

Caitlyn walked into the kitchen at hat moment.

"Morning dear," Hermione said as Caitlyn inspected the contents of every cupboard and wrinkled her nose at everything before taking an apple.

"Our food not good then Caitlyn?" Severus queried, "what about those breakfast bars you insisted on, or the low fat, low fibre, low taste cereal we had to have? Nothing appeal to you?"

"Not really dad, it's a new diet I'm on just fruit." Caitlyn answered.

"Oh that's nice for you dear." Hermione chimed in.

"Yes brilliant," Severus muttered, "we spend a fortune and you eat rabbit food, amazing." He kept muttering as he poured himself a coffee.

At that exact moment Darryl walked in dressed in a muggle police mans outfit.

"5 minutes of peace, that's all I ask." Severus pleaded to the ceiling. "Alright so what's today's project then? Azkaban guard? Hogwarts security? Your mothers cleaning squad?" Severus asked sarcastically.

"Nope dad." Darryl said solemnly. "I'm a police man."

"riiiight." Severus said and walked over to the kitchen table.

Darryl followed him.

"Dad?"

"No!"

"But I haven't asked yet!"

"It's still no!"

"Oh Severus just listen to him for once." Hermione chimed in serenely.

"Alright what is it?"

"Can I…"

"No!"

"Severus!" Hermione warned.

"Alright!" Severus said defensively.

"Dad can I borrow your car?"

There was a tense pause as if Severus was thinking.

"No."

"Oh but dad!"

"Darryl no I am not lending you my car. I want to use it this weekend and I have no wish to have to pay for the dents to be knocked out first." Severus continued to read his paper clearly showing the matter was closed.

Darryl looked hurt for a moment.

"Mum?"

"Yes of course you can dear, fill it up with petrol when you're done and be back by 12." Hermione said.

"Hermione! Has my authority completely disappeared in this house?" Severus asked incredulously.

"No of course not dear, it's just in hiding…… like your libido." Hermione said and continued to read.

**Later that day. **

Severus decided to sit and read the paper, after all it was his day up, and he hadn't done it for interruption during breakfast. He placed a cup of coffee beside his chair took the phone of the hook and sat down. Slowly revelling in the delight of being able to so this as no great speed, opened the paper and put his feet up.

"Severus why are you lounging? You've been doing that all day!" Hermione said exasperated.

"I've just sat down!" Severus called.

"Well get up again and Hoover the living room." Hermione said and left.

Severus said for a moment looking after his wife.

"BEN!" he called, and obediently his youngest son of 16 came downstairs.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Your mother said hoover the living room."

"Why?"

"Because it needs hoovering."

"Why can't you do it?"

"I'm busy."

"No you're not your doing what you always do."

"Look I'll give you 3 sickles if you do it."

"Ten"

"Five"

"Seven"

"Done."

Ben looked around.

"So where's the hoover?" he asked.

"How should I know?"

Hermione came bustling in.

"Severus why haven't you hovered the living room yet?"

"Because our darling son has said he will do it."

"How much ahs he bribed you Ben?"

"Seven sickles."

"Well if that's how much has giving you, you can do the stairs as well."

Severus smiled to himself and returned to his paper.

As Hermione left with Ben to get the hoover Darryl walked in.

"'Allo 'allo," he said "dad you can't do that!"

"Can do what?"

"Lounge around in my chair."

"It's not your chair, I bought it, and this house, and this paper. Therefore I will sit in my chair in my house with my paper."

Next minute Severus felt something cold on his wrist and looked down to find he was hand cuffed to Darryl.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm arresting you."

"For what?"

"For arguing with a police officer and failing to vacate the premises."

"Right" Severus said and paused, "Hermione! Get here now!"

"What is it Severus?"

Severus held up his arm and Darryl proudly showed his mother what he had done.

"What the matter Severus dear, you used to like that." She said curtly before leaving.

**That afternoon.**

Severus stood in the kitchen and was rubbing water over his red wrist. When he was done he walked over to the stove were some concoction of Hermione's was bubbling. The woman may be a dab hand at potions but her cooking was terrible.

"What's this?" Severus asked using a wooden spoon to poke the contents of the pan.

"Its gravy dear." Hermione said as if it was the most obvious thing.

Severus looked sceptical and picked up some of the 'gravy' then let it drop back into the pan in way that resembled glue.

"But its green." He said.

Next he moved to the oven and opened the door.

"what's this?" he asked looking at the charred remains of what ever it was.

"roast vegetables." Hermione replied.

Severus gave up trying to be interested in the cooking and walked up behind his wife and kissed her cheek.

"Severus how can you get romantic when we have a problem."

"I know but its my own fault I married you."

Hermione did not look amused.

"we'll talk about this later." She said and turned to her gravy.

Darryl walked in.

"Darryl what's the problem that your mother is talking about?" Severus asked.

"erm that I crashed the car." Darryl said happily.

"you what?" Severus shouted.

"you didn't Darryl!?" Hermione asked.

"oh so this is not the problem? This is just another one, that you forgot to mention." Severus asked sarcastically.

"don't worry dad I got it sorted."

"really?" Severus didn't look hopeful.

"yeah, well I had tried to bang the dents out with a hammer but it didn't work so I sold it."

"you did what?!" Severus shouted.

"I sold it, for £1000" Darryl smiled.

**That evening**

Hermione was lying in bed reading and silently fuming.

"alright what have I done? Or not done? Or did do but didn't do it right?" Severus asked tired of the silence.

"You've been ignoring Caitlyn. She's only 19 she needs her father."

"No she doesn't she needs my credit card and a car. The girl doesn't want or need me, I'm just the money vender."

Hermione looked angry and turned back to her book.

Severus sidled up to her and started to stroke her neck and whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

"Severus our daughter is emotionally scarred and that's all you can think about?"

"no there's some action involved too." He said putting his leg over hers.

"no there will be no action until this is sorted out."

"well Darryl is main problem! Where did we get him?"

"I don't know I was asleep."

"now that's not fair you were moaning oh yes."

"I thought you were asking if I wanted you to stop."


	2. Part 02

**Snape's Family**

**In the kitchen**

Severus stumbles into the kitchen rubbing the sleep from his eyes and automatically heading for the coffee machine. 

He picks up a cup and its empty.

"Hey whoever finishes the coffee makes a new pot!" Severus says. "And seeing as you're the only one that drinks it, you have to make a new pot." He stares at Hermione. "You've drunk 5 cups already?"

"Of course not this is my first cup." Hermione says and takes a sip, "I just freshen it up now and again."

Darryl and Caitlyn walk in arguing about something.

"Mum Darryl's been in the bath room for the past hour!" Caitlyn yelled.

"Doing what?" Severus asked with his head in the fridge.

"Well I'm sure we can rule out reading!" Caitlyn said storming over to the fridge and shutting, luckily just as Severus withdrew his head hurriedly.

"Caitlyn I was looking in there, you nearly took my head off!" Severus yelled.

"I just assumed you had finished." Caitlyn stated looking in the cupboard for something tempting.

"Never ASSUME, because when you ASSUME, you make an ASS of U and ME." Severus said testily.

"I don't make an ass of me. You, yes but you do that on your own." Caitlyn said matter of factly sitting at the table with a glass of water.

"She has a point dear." Hermione snickered into her cup.

Severus made another pot of coffee while muttering something about children and wives.

"Darryl dear your very quiet today." Hermione observed looking at her son.

Darryl pulled a note book out of his pocket and scrawled something on it.

'I have taken a vow of silence as a bet.'

"Oh that's nice for you dear." Hermione said smiling.

Severus was praying to the sky, "there is a god and for once he is smiling at me."

"Severus! Can't you be more supportive? Maybe Darryl is doing this for charity. Are you dear?" Hermione asked Darryl.

Darryl nodded vigorously and began to write on the note pad again. 

'Ben said he would give me 5 galleons to shut up of 2 days, and Caitlyn added another 2 galleons.'

"right." Hermione looked sceptical, "and are you going to give it to charity?"

Darryl, still grinning, shook his head.

"See dear? No matter what we do he is still and idiot." Severus said as Ben walked through the door.

"My god this is a mad house!" he shouted.

"Yes Ben it is a lovely morning, glad to see your well." Severus said sarcastically.

"What's up dear?" Hermione asked sympathetically. 

"I can't even have muggle friends round; we have dungeons and the bathrooms full of weird slimy things in jars! Thank god the weekends nearly over. Then I can escape the insanity of my paternity!" Ben said slamming cupboard doors.

"What a splendid family." Severus said oozing sarcasm, "I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me and" he looks at Darryl "a... pillock."

**Later that day.******

Severus and Hermione managed to get a moments peace and decided to watch the TV.

"There's never anything worth watching on TV." Hermione complained. 

"Yes there is and we are watching it, look it's the Quidditch. That's the whole point of having the wizarding broadcasting network, so I can watch the Quidditch." Severus said the remote gripped firmly in his hand.

"Severus, there's never anything interesting on or anything educational." Hermione said picking up the TV guide.

"Dear we work in education, I don't want to come home to it thank you." Severus said his eyes glued to the TV.

"Oh Severus look at the fireplace it's Sirius." Hermione exclaimed. 

Severus snapped his head towards the fireplace to see nothing and when he turned back to the TV he found he was no longer watching the Quidditch and no longer in control of the remote. 

"I was watching that!" he cried indignantly.

"Here you go the Quidditch is on again." Hermione said turning the channel back.

"Thank you." Severus said settling himself in even more.

"And now's there's not" Hermione laughed changing the channel to a show about the uses of worm wart.

Before world war three could break out again Ben entered the living room. 

"Hello darling, what have you been doing?" Hermione gushed.

"I went flying." Ben said shortly.

"Oh well that's nice." Hermione said looking at Ben, who promptly left the room. 

"Do you think he's not telling us something?" Hermione asked Severus confidentially. 

"yes." Severus said shortly, managing to put the Quidditch back on while her attention was some were else.

"Really? What?" Hermione asked quickly. 

"Oh really Hermione! The boy told you what he was doing!" Severus said not taking his focus from the TV.

**In the kitchen**

"There's something wrong with this yoghurt!" Darryl exclaimed licking the spoon.

"That's because its mayonnaise." Ben replied search in the biscuit tin.

"Oh yeah I see." Darryl said grinning and carrying on eating it. "So what you been up to Benny boy?"

"Nothing why?" Ben said a little too defensively. 

There was a long pause.

"Darryl I need your help." Ben all but pleaded.

"What?" Darryl asked, the spoon hanging on the end of his nose.

"Well it's just this girl." Ben said awkwardly

"Oh I see your first crush. Well Benny boy, all you have to do is… talk to dad." Darryl said seriously.

"Why? Why dad?" Ben asked shocked.

"Well look at it this way, he got mum. How? I dunno but she was hot when she was younger and he was just the same as he is now. And if you ask him, then you have to tell me his secret cos there's this girl called Melinda that needs a bit of Darryl love." Darryl said dreamily.

"Does she really?" Ben asked sceptically.

"Yeah, but she doesn't know it yet." Darryl said and took another huge mouthful of mayonnaise. 

**Later on**

Severus sat reading the paper when Ben walked into the front room.

"Dad can I talk to you?" Ben ventured.

Severus lowered his news paper and looked at his son. 

"This isn't a father-son thing is it?" Severus asked worried.

"Sort of but not really." Ben said slowly, nervously playing with a pillow.

"Right ok then fire away."

"Right well there's this girl at school and I really like her and I was wondering if you knew how I could… you know…"

"No I don't know. You want to what? Turn her into a rabbit, feed her flying formula?"

"Dad! I want her to you know, like me."

"And why exactly are you asking me? I'm your father, shouldn't you be asking your friends or your brother?"

"Well Darryl told me to ask you, 'cos well, you got mum and he said she was hot when she was younger and you looked just the same, so he wants to know how you did it."

Severus looked livid.

"What do you mean? Darryl!" Severus shouted.

Darryl swaggered in looking as happy as usual.

"What?"

"I'll have you know that I have no tricks at all to get woman. I loved your mother." Severus said.

"No dad I mean the real reason you got mum. Imperious curse? Controlling concoction? Anything like that?" Darryl grinned.

Ben was shaking with silent laughter.

"NO! Hermione! Get here now _your _children are being insufferable." Severus said picking his paper up angrily again and continuing to read.

"What is it dear?" Hermione asked entering the room.

"We wanted to know how dad got you in the first place, what tricks he used." Darryl said.

"He didn't use tricks, I'm with your father because I love him." Hermione said sweetly.

"No really mum, what did he promise you?" Darryl asked still grinning.

"Darryl!" Hermione warned.

Darryl and Ben took the hint and sharply left the room. 

"Why do you let them wind you up so much?" Hermione said plumping down on the couch next to Severus. "And why when they do something wrong they're my children, and when they do something your proud of… no wait that hasn't happened yet."

**That evening.******

Hermione is preparing for an 'interesting' visit from her Sirius and Remus. This will not go well as she knows how much her they dislike Severus, because he's older than her and because, well, he's Snape. 

There is a knock at the door.

"Hermione!" Severus calls from behind his paper.

"Severus please, make an effort. Remember happy face." Hermione chided.

"Remember who you're talking to, this is my happy face."

"Severus really come on."

Hermione has a flash of brilliance.

"If you use your happy face, I'll do that thing tonight." She said seductively.

Severus looks over the top of the paper at her, suddenly interested.

"The thing or the THING?" Severus asks impressed.

"Both."

"Your bluffing Hermione."

"Can you afford to take that chance?" 

Severus suddenly breaks into a wide smile. Hermione opens the door to greet Sirius and Remus.

"hi Hermione! Caitlyn! You look gorgeous." Sirius said winking at Caitlyn, who promptly blushed and nervously primped her already perfect hair. 

"Evening Severus." Remus observed.

Severus just looked up the forced grin on his face then lowered his head to his paper again.

Sirius and Remus sat down on the couch, Caitlyn promptly sat down right next to Sirius. Severus was watching her and glaring, she soon got up and went into the kitchen.

**That night**

Severus and Hermione have given their bed up to Sirius and Remus, and are sleeping on the couch, much Severus disgust.

"I just don't like the thought of black up there with Caitlyn just across the hall."

"Severus she'll be fine." Hermione said sleepily.

Hermione shut her eyes, Severus took this opportunity to down something under the covers that made her eyes open quickly.

"You said you'd do that THING." Severus reminded her.

They slipped beneath the covers as Darryl walks in and goes to throw himself on the couch but he sees the blanket moving and plumps himself gently on it instead.

"Just move a little to the left Severus."

"What?"

"Mum said move to the left dad."

"Darryl!"

"Darryl dear what are you doing here?" Hermione asked.

"Watching TV what are you doing?"

"We're…." Severus started.

"Sleeping" Hermione said quickly.

"Yeah so can you leave Darryl?"

"Its ok you won't bother me."

"Darryl just go."

"Alright dad I know when to take a hint." Darryl said and just sat there.

Hermione threw a well aimed pillow.

"Oh you want me to leave then mum?"

Darryl gets up to leave.

"Dad?"

"What?"

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

"GET OUT OF HERE!!!!"


End file.
